I recently acquired a boyfriend. I must say, I like the word 'acquire', which can mean to obtain or secure for oneself or to achieve as a result of one's behaviors or qualities, because it reminds me that getting a boyfriend was an exercise and adventure that required my effort, time and sacrifice. Now that the process bore fruit and I am what my friend calls 'wifed', my friends have been dying to read a blog post about my adventures in my relationship. Thus, due to peer pressure and the constant need to please the whole world at my age, I decided to write something.
I had an aha! moment yesterday. I was thinking about Boyfriend and his super awesomeness. At some point during my musings, I imagined him dating some other not so random girl and I was horrified. Why in the world was I thinking about him dating another girl so early in the relationship? Wasn't this supposed to be the time to be enchanted by the magic of love and believe in happily ever after? By then, I'd already started freaking out. Lots of thoughts were scuttling through my mind, primarily about how silly I am and how much of a failure I am and how my relationship shall fail because of my silliness.
In between all this panicking, I realized that I do all of the three: fear happiness, put other people's happiness before mine and don't know how to be happy. When I assume that in the near future my boyfriend will be dating another girl, I believe that I'm not good enough or I don't deserve such a good thing or that the poor girl needs Boyfriend more than I do. And that's all crap. I may not deserve all the beauty I have in my life, but that's why there's God's abundant grace. Grace gives even to the undeserving, and it gives love and joy and peace and happiness and patience and so much more. So why am I so afraid to receive it? Why am I trying to save up today's grace for tomorrow yet there'll be a new stash of grace tomorrow?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid and I really don't think I deserve this gift God's given me. But who cares whether I deserve him or not? I have him now, I might as well enjoy the ride and love and be loved. Today I choose to find happiness in what I have and learn to be grateful and enjoy every minute of it.
In other news, I think Boyfriend is psychic. A couple of hours before my meltdown, he sent me a link that is relevant to my blog post. I hope you enjoy.
PS I'm taking the plunge. Hope I'll be making some wings with Boyfriend :)
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